i never thought i’d do so much grieving in my early twenties

this is an excerpt from my quarter life crisis zine.

"grief changes shape, but it never ends." - keanu reeves

growing up, i was seemingly always afraid of my loved ones dying. intrusive thoughts followed me from a young age–maybe it’s the half catholic in me? taught about heaven and sins from such a young age, being so afraid of hell. even though in judaism hell is not a threat, god’s wrath is palpable. but there was nothing to worry about: i was 10, playing with my nintendogs on my powder blue DS, squeezing my poodle puppy, saying ‘i love you to the moon & back’ to my mom. fast forward, well, life has changed that reality.

my mom and my dog, teddy, passed away in 2022. teddy in february and my mom in october. while both of these deaths felt inevitable in a way–teddy was 13 and slowing, while my mom was sick for over six years–the year was the hardest of my life. my dog’s passing rocked me in a very childlike way: an unconditional love and loss for a being in my life who always brought me joy, my first dog. my mom’s passing came with a rush of complex and varying emotions: sadness, anger, numbness, and even relief after her long illness. one of the wildest things about death is the grief that follows you. everyone talks about it, but it’s really difficult to understand it until you deal with it yourself.

for the few months following teddy’s passing, i would see 444 everywhere. with angel numbers being discussed everywhere on my timeline, i’d gotten familiar with them. 444 in particular is about protection, that there are angels near you and protecting you. i was so broken by the loss and this was a small comfort for me–feeling like there was a force guiding and protecting me. i think about teddy all the time in big and small ways, in pictures on my phone, when i see other small dogs like him.

as for my mom, i think about her when my friends talk about their moms and the wonderful things they get to do together. i think about her when i see my grandma, kitty, one of my favorite people ever. i think about her when i pick up her nikkormat film camera i shoot with. most recently and most bizarrely, i found a pack of year old samoas in my cabinet and started crying. my mom was the one who helped me as a kid through girl scouts, the person who pushed me and believed in me and every year around january would be so excited to ask me if i needed any girl scout cookies & that she would get them for me.

my grief isn’t settling and i don’t want it to just yet. for a long time, i wasn’t allowing myself to feel the intensity of my grief, i felt like i was soldiering on for myself and my loved ones. but that’s not sustainable, i’m going to combust if i continue with that. i’m so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life who showed up for me in any way shape or form, whether over the phone, with flowers, on instagram, through doordash, or something in between. your support was so sweet and special and for that i feel so blessed. thank you for helping me through the first wave of grief, and here comes the rest of it.